What does dissociation feel like?

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Some of my close friends already know about this. I have the tendency to dissociate from the real world quite easily and to tell you the truth there is no other ways for me to really get rid of it entirely but there are definitely ways to reduce it to the minimum.

First of all what do I mean by dissociation or more correctly termed as dissociative symptoms.

(By no mean I am trying to be an expert in the subject. Although I am a medical student, what I am discussing here is merely based on my own experience as someone who knows how it feels like to be dissociated.)

Dissociation is a state of mind in which a person feel that they are not intact with the current reality. As if they are day dreaming where one's feeling/soul is perceived to be detached from their body. There are many different types of dissociative symptoms not all of which can manifest into some types of mental illnesses. What I am focusing is on the subject of 'depersonalization'.

For me personally, the symptoms are more apparent after I flew to the UK. I am not saying that this is a precipitating factor but it made me be more aware of it as I was further away from home. Even before that, I knew something didn't feel 'normal' although arguably how can someone identify what is normal when they have never felt one. Should maybe what I feel is actually normal to me, it never stops me from questioning other people's experience if they can feel how I feel.

Have you ever had an experience where you are so busy with your work that you don't even realise what you are doing? Or after a long day and you look back at what you have done, you can't even recall that you did it? If yes, imagine that happening not for a short moment but for your entirely life.

Sometimes I feel like as if I am already dead (I know that sounds creepy but hear me out). I feel that my senses are numb and I couldn't feel myself. I feel like I am floating like a free spirit wondering around a vacuum space in which I couldn't feel the presence of elements of any kinds. It is scary when it gets quite overpowering. I remember one day just walking without any directions or purpose not because I wanted to, but because I was trying to activate myself again. As dumb as it might sound like, although walking is a mechanical process, I was hoping to feel the emotional aspects of walking so that I could feel like alive again.

When I look at a picture of my family or my friends, all of them registered to me as someone I am familiar with and I made some connections with in the past. I can remember them as a collection of memories and I appreciate them as people that I know who love me and care for me. But sometimes, this is where it stops. I just recognise them only as a part of my memories just like how I recognise words from a book or characters from my favourite films.

Someone told me that I think too much and I am no different from other people because once in a while we all feel how I feel. Perhaps it is true. Perhaps I am thinking too much.

Just so people know, having this symptoms do not disable me from functioning in any ways. I can learn in class, socialise with my friends, enjoy the company of my families, and do work. It doesn't affect my performance and how I think in the slightest. This is because I empower myself in a way that allows me to function.

Some of my love ones might be disheartened to know that I feel this way and more personally to feel this way towards them. If so, I would like them to know that I love them and my love to them cannot be quantified or judged by any qualities.

We are all human and we are not perfect. What makes our world perfect is because we have each other.

This might be quite a challenging post to understand. However, it makes a perfect sense for myself.

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