#SundayRant - Mind-Block

Sunday, December 04, 2016

WARNING: This post might not make sense. You might think I smoke weed when writing but I am not. I swear.

I need inspirations.

I need motivations.

I need aspirations.

These are more important to me than anything that money can buy. Without them I feel lifeless and numb. It is no different than being dead because hopes and dreams are the ones that fuel my heart to make me feel alive.

I want to let myself free from the idea that I am going to become a doctor. Because I think I should look at life beyond the boundary of my occupation. That said, being a doctor will become one part of me, probably the biggest part of me as I will be spending most of my life training to become a better doctor everyday.

But another part of me is also begging for me to let go of that 'mind-construction' of what my life purpose is. The thing is, I have been and always have been taught about a mindset on how certain things are. 

Go to school, get a degree, be a doctor, get a stable job, get married, have kids and live in a certain pattern.

Sometimes I am jealous of other people who can do what they want to do and be carefree of the consequences. This is not about jobs, again I repeat, not about job. This is about choosing a lifestyle that is free and unrestricted to the norm of the people who dictate what a norm should be. 

I am just tired of carrying this burden of responsibilities in my head. I feel like I need to be perfect at everything when the fact is I am not strong enough for that. The other day I failed my driving test. For some reasons, I just cannot get myself moving on from the mistakes that I have done. I really want to but I can't. Only after I have booked for my next test that I feel so much more in control of the situation. 

This is all about control maybe. I have been controlling my whole life, I think I am just exhausted by it. I feel like I want to let it go. Although letting go isn't as easy as it sounds. I will be deemed irresponsible if I do that. I am also scared of what might happen if I do let go. Also most importantly, I have no idea what letting go really means. I mean, what should I do? How do I do it? Fuck this.

In my mind, I have some ways of thinking that makes me do things the way that I think it should be done. There are always rules in everything that I do. The way I eat, walk, talk, socialise and learn. I just can't get away from it. Sometimes I get caught up with it so much, I become really unhappy. But I still see no points of breaking those rules.

Sometimes, I do things because I want to break this rule-driven life. When I become rebellious and do something that I am not accustomed to, I am euphoric! It gives me life! It lights up my passion! I love it. I guess we all do some things out of the ordinary once in a while to get that feelings of freedom. 

It is funny how even living in a free world, I can still feel reppressed. I don't know if everyone else feels the same way. It matters a lot to me because I really don't want to live only knowing that I am actually not living. 

Later peeps.


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